Daily Thoughts #5

Dear Diary,

I find it hard to be able to relax my mind in a day. Is it really that hard to just keep my mind clear of everything for a few hours? I don't like that I have to constantly be productive because it really stresses the brain and it really makes me tired. I just want rest. Work is really killing me at times and it really brings down my mood.

Especially when I can't really help out in church as much as I used to. A sacrifice that is really not worthwhile for me as I am in Alor Setar. If I can't help out in the church, why am I even here then? I might as well find another job in another state with better pay and working hours which ends up with the same situation anyway.

I really want to get back at playing tennis and badminton. 6 months really feels so long since it's only been 2 months of recovery. I really can't do any rigorous activities yet and most of the things I want to do involves a lot of shoulder movement.

I need a hug. From her. Where are you. Please stop staying in the future.

Daily Thoughts #4

Dear Diary,

Didn't have the energy on my mind to make a post after coming back from Bali. But man, was it an eye-opener. It's a really cool place even though the houses look run down. A place for culture and tradition. And art. Plenty of art. 

Had my hopes bumped during the vacation when I decided to look through my mail in the supermarket. Fly FM couldn't wait for June the 2nd and decided to get someone on the 28th May. Therefore, no interview for me. Another dream crushed right before me. Mum said that if it was meant to be, it'll happen. They were a little relieved that I'm not gonna work there though. Somehow I still wanna try. Now I'm just looking around Penang for a better job. Alor Star's got not much anymore. Getting tired of the hospitality line. Getting tired of not being able to do the things that I wish I could.

Had a talk with mum just now. Told me I should hold out until I find a better job. But I'm not tired or frustrated just because of the long hours or minimal pay. I'm frustrated because everything I dream and hope to do in my life is always out of my reach. And what's left is doing office work that just doesn't seem comfortable in the long run. Sure, my stress isn't that great, but it still takes a toll on me. I'm not as strong as others in life.

I guess I just need to admit that now. I'm not strong. I never was. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm just an average guy. I can do many things, but only average...ly. The only thing I'm good at is.. well, I can't think of one.

I should try first before feeling down-trodden? The fear of knowing that "it ain't gonna work out" is just that strong to pull me back and think twice about trying something. I need a push, I know. But I can't accept it from just anyone.

She was right too. I can't call myself a counsellor if I can't even help myself. But then again, who can be a consellor then other than God? Everyone has their shortcomings. At least I'm better off than most people, to say the least.

I see my dreams. But... they're only just dreams.

Daily Thoughts #3

Dear Diary,

Had a compliment from boss today; said I was the first (maybe one of the first) persons in his working life to be completely honest with him. I told him that I had a job interview in KL and I wanted to ask for a leave. Well, he agreed yet he was shocked not because of the fact that there is a chance I might leave the hotel, but rather that someone didn't lie to him about job interviews. He did warn me about being completely honest with other people because the honesty could bite back at you. Kinda agree with it, but I am careful about who I'm honest with. Besides, it's not like I'm removing every single data once I resign or something. No point lying about it and then suddenly sending a resignation letter by surprise. Now that's gonna bring a hell of a lot of lectures when it happens.

A motorcycle crashed into my car today. It was jammed, and I think the motorist didn't see us stopping while he was swerving here and there, and didn't have time to avoid my car. Luckily, Kia Spectra's body frame is plastic so it doesn't dent easily. There'll be scratches but very minor ones. He left a lot of mud on the car though. Well, he's fine and hurriedly left the scene with his wife (I think she scraped her arm a little). Meh. Car not damaged, no point making a scene or asking for money. First accident alone. Thank God that there were no serious injuries to the person or the car. His side view mirror for the bike was broken though.

Seems like KL life's gonna be a challenge according to my friends. I still want to give it a shot if that's what it takes to get to my new dream. Never try, never know. There's always Penang if this don't work out. All I gotta do is find any vacancies or go through the head-hunting. But then again, I always think about my local church and whether I should stay. But I gotta build my career too while I'm still at that "growing in career" age.

I've been getting tired very fast these few days. Am I getting old?

Goodnight.

Daily Thoughts #2

Dear Diary,

Damn. Didn't get to update last night due to fatigue. It's really hard to handle hotel work now. Working like mad during the day (sometimes), and then having to stay back for some function really kills the energy. Came back home, I actually slept while watching a video on Youtube. Luckily I woke up in time to bathe and actually get into bed.

Had a call from FlyFM yesterday. They actually read my resume and want to interview me! It really feels good when someone sees the work I've done and wants to see if I can be a part of their team. If I really do get a job there, I'm gonna need to start getting used to KL life and its hecticness. Hella-lot different from Alor Star. Nah, ain't gonna even call it Setar. It used to be Star, and I prefer it that way.

Shoulder's slowly working back to normal. Though sleep's still an issue as sleeping face down kinda hurts the shoulder a little. No idea why. At least I could drum again. Really felt awesome playing Yours Forever by Hillsong United just now. Maybe one day we can really jam that song fully.

My eyes are tired. But yet, I can't sleep yet. I really need to fix my feelings and my head. Somehow I feel like I like a girl, but part of me tells me that it ain't gonna work out. Too much differences. Well, that happened once. Guess that's why I have a slight fear of it happening again. But on the other side of the coin, kinda feel lonely. Sigh. Can't you just get here faster. Take the train if it's jammed on the road then.

Gotta start skipping again.

Goodnight.

Daily Thoughts #1

Dear Diary,

I decided to start writing in a blog again as a way to express my thoughts whenever it can't be expressed to anyone else. Better let it out somehow than keeping it in. Since I've been giving that advice to others, can't do the opposite.

Lot of things have been happening. Got a job, got new responsibilities, friends' lives have been changing. I saw a dead guy face to face. Suicide death. Kinda horrid but somehow I could stay cool (a little bit panic at first, but it's normal) and was able to get the proper authorities to settle the issue. Strange that other people have haunted memories after seeing "it" but I could even sleep well (hell, I even dreamed about other stuff on that same night). Wonder if there's something wrong with me; or am I just unique in that particular section of life?

Close friend of mine's going through a tough time after a very harsh break-up. Doing all I can to make sure she stays happy even though that could prove dangerous. Happiness seems to be one of the ways to hide the pain or even suppress the negative emotions. But when you're angry, you tend to make harsh or rash judgements as well. Meh. As a friend, I'm just gonna be there for her whenever needed (I've been through what she's going through anyway. Not exactly the same, but similar).

Almost had another job opportunity with an International company, only to find out their appointment is on the same date as my family vacation to Bali. Balls. And I thought I could get out of my current situation sooner than expected. But like what mum said, "If it's meant to be, it'll happen". I really want a better job with a better pay though. At least I could get my own camera and go crazy with it. Maybe sell some stock photos while I'm at it. 

Guess that's all for tonight. Can't stay up too late or I'll get another headache at work tomorrow.

P.S. I really need to get back to writing and making my song better. Can't procrastinate forever, man.

Good morning/Good night.