Daily Thoughts #5

Dear Diary,

I find it hard to be able to relax my mind in a day. Is it really that hard to just keep my mind clear of everything for a few hours? I don't like that I have to constantly be productive because it really stresses the brain and it really makes me tired. I just want rest. Work is really killing me at times and it really brings down my mood.

Especially when I can't really help out in church as much as I used to. A sacrifice that is really not worthwhile for me as I am in Alor Setar. If I can't help out in the church, why am I even here then? I might as well find another job in another state with better pay and working hours which ends up with the same situation anyway.

I really want to get back at playing tennis and badminton. 6 months really feels so long since it's only been 2 months of recovery. I really can't do any rigorous activities yet and most of the things I want to do involves a lot of shoulder movement.

I need a hug. From her. Where are you. Please stop staying in the future.

Daily Thoughts #4

Dear Diary,

Didn't have the energy on my mind to make a post after coming back from Bali. But man, was it an eye-opener. It's a really cool place even though the houses look run down. A place for culture and tradition. And art. Plenty of art. 

Had my hopes bumped during the vacation when I decided to look through my mail in the supermarket. Fly FM couldn't wait for June the 2nd and decided to get someone on the 28th May. Therefore, no interview for me. Another dream crushed right before me. Mum said that if it was meant to be, it'll happen. They were a little relieved that I'm not gonna work there though. Somehow I still wanna try. Now I'm just looking around Penang for a better job. Alor Star's got not much anymore. Getting tired of the hospitality line. Getting tired of not being able to do the things that I wish I could.

Had a talk with mum just now. Told me I should hold out until I find a better job. But I'm not tired or frustrated just because of the long hours or minimal pay. I'm frustrated because everything I dream and hope to do in my life is always out of my reach. And what's left is doing office work that just doesn't seem comfortable in the long run. Sure, my stress isn't that great, but it still takes a toll on me. I'm not as strong as others in life.

I guess I just need to admit that now. I'm not strong. I never was. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm just an average guy. I can do many things, but only average...ly. The only thing I'm good at is.. well, I can't think of one.

I should try first before feeling down-trodden? The fear of knowing that "it ain't gonna work out" is just that strong to pull me back and think twice about trying something. I need a push, I know. But I can't accept it from just anyone.

She was right too. I can't call myself a counsellor if I can't even help myself. But then again, who can be a consellor then other than God? Everyone has their shortcomings. At least I'm better off than most people, to say the least.

I see my dreams. But... they're only just dreams.